I Lost My Angel

On June 20, 2019, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My granny. My mom’s mom. My mom had me really young at 17 so I feel that my granny stepped up to help. I remember always being with my granny when I was young. I loved being around her. She gave me so much love. Of course, my mom did too but I always felt like my granny was like another mom. Like these days grown kids move away or get so caught up in their life that them and their kids only see the grandparents on holidays or every once in awhile but not me. Even when my mom married my stepdad granny was always there. Or mostly we would go see her like every other day. At least twice a week. I spent the night so much it was like an unsaid rule that I was there. I was a very shy kid and I didn’t have siblings until I was like 8 so it was just me for a long time. But at times I didn’t mind cause I always had my granny. When I came upon my teenage years I still was close to her. My mom and I would get into it or have a misunderstanding but granny was always there to listen. She would listen and not judge me but she would always enforce that family was the most important thing and to not let some petty argument change that. Fast forward to full adulthood she was still my everything. She motivated me, inspired me, protected me. Even as a single mom she would always tell me how great I was doing as a mom. She would tell me I was doing a good job raising my daughters. I could talk to her about anything. With others, I could talk but then they would give an opinion or tell me what I should do but with my granny, she would just listen. She would tell me everything would be ok. But if I asked for advice she would tell me. I loved her so much and wherever she was felt like home.
I get so upset with myself though because as I got older I didn’t go over as much as I should have. I got busy with kids, work, and relationships I feel like I failed to be around like I should have been.
About a year before she passed her physical health started to slip. She could get around by herself all the time like out of the house. Alzheimer’s set in and she would repeat herself a lot and forget what she told you. For the last 6 months, she couldn’t get around cause she had fallen and could walk anymore. I would go see her but it took a lot out of me mentally and emotionally cause I was so use to seeing her be like the strongest person in my life that seeing her like this killed me inside. I know that wasn’t a good excuse not to go see her all the time but it was like my heart hurt when I would see her like that. Just staring in space like no one was there at times. She still knew who we were I think but it was still hard. My sister was a Rockstar though and she made sure granny had what she needed.
A few days before she passed she couldn’t talk and hospice told us she didn’t have long. Her body was shutting down. She was 96. It was just time. When I tell you when I got that news it was like it hit me like a truck though. I went and just sat and talked to her like always. I did get to tell her how much I loved her and thanked her for loving me the way she did. I played music for her. The same music she played for me when I was little. Sam Cooke was one of her favorites so Sam Cooke it was. We listened to music and I talked to her. I think I knew that it was going to be the last time I talked to her. I will never forget that day. The day after I got the worse call to date. Granny has gone home. Apart of my heart broke but I knew she wasn’t in pain anymore. I knew I couldn’t have her forever.
I beat myself up for not being there more in the end. I feel like I failed her. I know she wouldn’t judge me but I judge myself every day. I had her in my life so long that I took it for granted. It’s like I felt like she would always be there. Please don’t do that. Don’t take anyone for granted. Even if they are around your whole life. When they leave you will never be ready. You will still feel like how do I go on with life knowing I will never see them again? I lost my angel on earth. Again never take anyone for granted. There is only one of them. When they are gone no one can replace them.

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